Just over 8 weeks into being a mommy, I have learned that there are some truths in this game. Here are some that I’ve figured out so far:
1) The phone will not ring until you finally take a nap. You will not have had a phone call in 4 days, but the one time you try to close your eyes will be when your grandmother’s neighbor’s cousin will ring you. It’s uncanny.
2) The phone will not ring until your fussy baby is on the brink of a much-needed nap. Same description as above.
3) The first time in 3 days you get dressed (up – kind of) to leave the house, the baby will hurl on you. Of course, as a mommy, you just blot it and go, not caring if strings of milky puke are clinging to your blouse (boy, will my colleagues love me when I got back to work).
4) The moment you finally break down and change your baby’s costume – which she absolutely hates – she will hurl down her entire front. This will be one of the ninja vomits which you won’t detect until you also feel the warm heat of the plasma puke also soaking your front. Her entire outfit will basically be soaked in breastmilk whey, with breastmilk curds acting as debris along the flood zone.
5) It IS possible (if not ideal) to go to the bathroom while holding your baby with one arm. Indeed, you will be become pretty adept at doing just about everything one-handed. Twin Peaks has nothing on a new mom.