As I wrap up my second full week back at work, it seems a good time to take inventory. I no longer cry (or have to try really hard not to) when I leave the baby in the morning. I still miss her, but it’s manageable. I liken it to when I quit smoking about 5.5 years ago; the first week was the worst and then the miserable cravings gradually lessened. By 2 weeks, the worst was over. But even to this day, I would love to be able to enjoy the sweet pull of that smoke into my lungs. But I won’t.
Back to baby stuff.
Other than the day I had to go out of town, I’m in a pretty good “pumping” schedule. I have my milking room that I use and the people with offices around it seem to quietly understand what’s going on in there and leave me be/ignore me. It’s still very weird taking my boobs out at work, though.
The sleep deprivation gets intense from time to time. It is worst on the non-telecommute days, particularly when I work 2 days in a row at the office (and I realize what a wuss that makes me sound like). I really miss that extra hour and a half of sleep that I get when I don’t have to get up before the ass crack of dawn so that I can not only get myself together, but feed the baby and pack up the pump for the day. It has occurred to me that I have not slept through the night in 4 months (give or take a bit, considering how poorly I was sleeping at the end of my pregnancy, simply being rotund and miserable). I think it shows on my face as well; I start off well enough, but after about an hour out in the world, my eyes look bloodshot, my skin is dull, and I’m quite pale and drab (other than the dark circles). Once the early morning makeup application fades or rubs off, I’m screwed.
I also need to talk to my husband before we have a moonlight altercation. We all, as new parents, worry and obsess about SIDS. I think it’s just one of those things. Will, however, occasionally takes to marauding around the house in the wee hours to check on the baby. As she’s always with me (we usually move from the bed to the couch around 3:00 AM to allow for pumping and feeding, as that is just an easier place to do that without waking the whole household), his marauding often wakes me up. It doesn’t help that I’m a light sleeper on top of being hyper-vigilant in case the baby makes a noise. I will sometimes wake to see Will looming over us. It’s like nocturnal anarchy. I wish Nerf made a bear-trap I could place beside the bed or in the hall to deter him from this behavior.