A blog I wrote nearly a month ago before we let the world know we were expecting again. As you can see from the disgusting and sappy nature of it, the hormones were (and are) kicking in:
Don’t know when (or if) I’ll ever post any of this. As it stands now, I’m just over 5 weeks pregnant again. It’s been very, very different this time. For starters, we’re keeping it under wraps. We told our parents and that’s it (mainly because we found out the day before father’s day, and it just seemed too cool to tell the dads on their day). Given the previous miscarriage, I guess we just feel more superstitious this time.
It’s hard to tell if I feel any different, as we all got sick the day after we found out. I feel fatigued as hell, but that could be residuals from the illness. My nose does seem keener, unfortunately. I don’t seem to feel as moody/emotional as the last couple of times. My boobs don’t hurt. Maybe some of that is the “been there, done that” nature of it all.
My goal this time is to be more Zen about it all if not try to actually enjoy the process a bit more. I know what to expect this time, and I know what I want to do this time around. It will be a scheduled C-section again. No drama or agonizing about that decision. I’ll do the quad-screen again to check for abnormalities. We’ll find out the gender again.
This will be the last kid we have. Between my age and our available resources, it seems irresponsible to push it beyond this second child. And while I’ve only known for about a week and a half, I’m pleased to say I’m not as up my own ass as I was before. I think that’s because I always have the phenomenal Stella to keep me focused on the outside world. I think that’s a fantastic thing.
Sure, I worry. Will we miscarry again? Will he/she be ok? Can we handle (financially, logistically, energy-wise) another baby? But I think my main concern is Stella. I never even for a moment want her to feel as if she is not the absolute center of the universe. I know from what I’ve read that every parent of multiple children has this worry but yet they manage to find ways to love everyone uniquely and adequately (or at least those that are worth a damn and not on file with CPS).
Not to give away my geekiness, I am trying to picture the new evolving family as a binary system, like Tatooine from Star Wars. Will and I can orbit 2 instead of 1. Oh god, I’m a nerd. Regardless, I have another 3 weeks until I can see my doc, so it’s mum’s the word for at least that long. Based on that appointment, I guess we’ll make a call on when the rest of the world finds out.