An open letter to the manufacturers of prenatal vitamins
While we pregnant ladies understand the necessity to ensure that our bodies receive adequate nutrients in order to supply the tiny people we’re growing, I have some questions regarding the delivery mechanism of these nutrients. I am currently “cooking” my second child now, so I have some experience with your products, particularly since I nursed my first kid for 14 months; I have given this quite a bit of thought. During my first prenatal visit recently for this latest spawn, my OB gave me a standard “new mommy grab bag” full of different samples of your products. I’ve examined some, and pretty much all have left me with the same questions.
For starters, why do these pills have to be so ginormous? When you’re dealing with units such as “micrograms,” you’re talking tiny, tiny amounts of supplements x, y, and z. Admittedly, it seems our bourgeoning bodies require a whole lot of different stuff. However, you must be putting some kind of mega-matrix around these things. I’m thinking for one microgram of supplement, there must be a whole gram of matrix. I have seen smaller tape dispensers than some of these vitamins. Seriously, some of these things seem half as long as my arm. Not cool, sir. Not cool at all. That alone raises the upchuck factor quite a bit. Don’t you realize that bulimics make themselves puke by sticking long, cylindrical things down their throats (no, not that, dirty birds!)?
Let’s move on and discuss the stench of these things. If I had to summarize the smell of prenatal vitamins in 3 words, I would choose “year-old feet.” It’s ridiculous. Surely you can come up with some kind of palatable, yummy-smelling candy coating to shroud these things until we can get them down our gullets? I will say this: the Target brand smells nice. It has a faint note of pineapple to it. If they can do it, why not the rest of you sadists?
I didn’t enjoy these vitamins the first time ‘round, but I wasn’t as sick as I am this time. This time, it’s like preparing for the Olympics to get these things down. My current system (when allowed by my roiling stomach) is to wait until I’ve been up for a couple of hours, slam some toast, wait about 10 minutes, then choke down your vile vitamins. There have been days, however, where neural tube defect be damned, I just can’t get the stupid things down.
Have a heart, guys. I’ll use the old stand-by would-be rationalization for everything: if we can send a man to the moon, can’t we make smaller, better-smelling prenatal vitamins??
Sincerely, gestating chicks everywhere