I’m going to admit something that may anger lots of the more feminist-leaning ladies out there. When men (stupidly) ask things like, “What? Are you on the rag or something,” they have some reason to make that generalization. Granted, it’s a generalization, and most of us know that these types of things can be fraught with peril. But you have to give it to them: hormones make many of us totally bonkers. It is a plausible reason for why their girlfriends/wives/moms/sisters are acting like pissed-off loons.
This has always been difficult for me, as I like that I tend to be a logical, rational being. I’m fairly self-introspective, and if I feel off about something, I’m usually pretty good at teasing out the reason. When I know I’m not acting right and can’t find an external reason, I get pretty disgusted with myself. Typically, hormones will be at the root of these problems. Then I get disgusted with myself for being at the mercy of these goofy chemical impulses. That only exacerbates the sensation, as it’s like being powerless – it’s sort of an out-of-body experience. You know you’re not acting right. You can see it. You can’t stop it. At best, you can only apologize for those unlucky enough to be around for your inappropriate, unpleasant, and/or inexplicable behavior.
Lately, my hormones are kicking. It’s awful. I know I’m a bitch. My filter, however, does not seem to be working as well. I can practically see Will braced for impact most of the time. I catch myself saying awful things like “die already!!” out loud at the gross old man on the opposite side of my cube wall that sounds like his lungs are liquefying and he’s hawking them up into a spittoon on his desk (to be fair, I’m not the only one that does that, but I am getting louder).
Usually I’m angry. Occasionally I’m melancholy. I had that a bit when I got ready for work this morning, looking at my pizza face and fatness (and I don’t look pregnant yet, just fat). It just doesn’t matter what you put on or how much makeup you apply, you’re not going to look good. It’s shallow, but it doesn’t make you feel really swell about the day.
The morning sickness is abating to a huge degree. I still get it but not with the regularity I’ve enjoyed the past few months. The fatigue? Well, it depends on the day (and night). I hope my new anger problem doesn’t last.