Clothes-ing Time

While I had saved pretty much all maternity and nursing garb from last time, there has been one huge difference in now vs. then.  And no, I don’t mean changing fashion.  Last time I was enormous in the summer.  This time, I’ll be enormous in the late fall/winter.  Since most of my tops are sleeveless, I figured I ought to pick up at least a few new winter things.

I will say this (sorry for the plug):  I LOVE the Destination Maternity stores.  I remembered how nice they were the first time around, when I wanted to burst into tears at the idea of nursing bras and “leakage” from my boobs, and pants with panels made me want to break out in hives.  The ladies were always so kind but hands-off if you needed that kind of experience.  And my word: they just give you stuff!  Refreshments, samples.  It’s like a casino for the knocked-up, only except for a martini, you get an orange juice and a free pacifier or bottle with any purchase.  I can remember feeling quite sad the last time I went in there during Stella’s uterine imprisonment, as I hated that I couldn’t shop there anymore.  Of course I was NEVER having another baby.

So fast-forward 2 odd years or so and I’m back, shopping with my juice.  I really didn’t/don’t need much, but we did have a wedding on the calendar.  It is a casual outdoor affair, so I was thinking separates that I could also use at the office.  I really kind of wanted a skirt as I had none.

As I looked around, there were cute tops everywhere.  Bottoms were trickier.  For starters, who in the hell thinks it’s a good idea to have “skinny” maternity jeans?!  Seriously?!  Those things are a hell of a lot like those low-rise jeans that were the shit a couple of years back and are thankfully falling out of fashion now.  Only about 0.03% of the population can wear them without looking like they are morbidly obese with flub hanging over every available ridge of fabric.  And that includes ladies who are in that mystical realm of “Size 0-2.” But skinny maternity jeans?  As if we don’t often struggle, anyway.  Shame!  I hope they feel shame!

But back to wedding garb and my quest for a skirt.  The store had 2 offerings: a short pencil skirt and a jersey knee-length number.  Both of these had epic fail stamped on them.  For starters, I’m 39.  I have no effing business in a mini skirt.  It’s tacky and age-inappropriate.  And jersey?  Don’t they know that that only clings and skims off the worst possible areas of the human body (other than boobs – which are admittedly ok)?  My ass is struggling enough not to keep me out of therapy.  I don’t need it swathed in jersey, illuminating every bulge, panty-line, and other posterior challenge.

Thank goodness designers still feel as if crop/capri pants are acceptable.


About larva225

Working mom. Is there any other kind? Geologist. Nerd.
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One Response to Clothes-ing Time

  1. emmieseals says:

    This is hilarious! Last pregnancy a few people just let me borrow maternity clothes and I have yet to go to a shop. You make it sound like a crazy adventure! Please, try on some maternity-skinny jeans and post a pic. Or just post a pic of them on a manequin. Really? Who thought up that idea?

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