I had an angry moment at work yesterday. I found myself riding down in the elevator with a gentleman that I know slightly. I was with one of the guys from my work group, talking about some nonsense or another. I noticed the old guy staring a bit. I just looked down at the floor; something told me I was about to have an obnoxious conversation. Sure enough, at the first opportunity Old Dude asked “Wow! Surely you’re going to have that baby soon?” I replied with a generic “not soon enough,” which would be a signal to just about any other sensible adult that they are treading on dangerous territory, and that one should not provoke A) a pregnant woman full of hormones, B) a pregnant woman full of hormones in an enclosed space, and C) a pregnant woman full of hormones in an enclosed space who is holding an umbrella.
This did not deter Old Dude, who pressed me on my delivery date/independence day which is still 5 WEEKS AWAY, DAMN IT. When I said rather tersely “mid-February1” he gaped. You have to envision this. This old man is about 5’3”, totally bald (other than the positively lush growth emanating from the depths of his ears), and in possession of so many liver spots that they have coalesced into something of a non-descript ethnic color despite the fact that this man surely is – or was – once pasty white. In other words, this man is old enough to know better 8 times over.
I know. I was probably just being too hormonal and a bit sensitive. But hey: it’s been a rough week, with Will’s staph infection and all, and BY had been kicking viciously all day. I feel certain my new boy-child is going to come out with rippling muscles, I swear. Old Dude pissed me off greatly. He really may as well have said “Damn, you’re hugely fat and you look as if you could start crowning any second. I shall call you Fatty Fatty McFat- Fat.” I had visions in my head of me clubbing him like a seal with my pastel blue umbrella. WTF is wrong with people?! It’s probably good for all parties as well as any party on the periphery that I am safely at home telecommuting today.
1 The terseness was largely due to my teeth which were clenched in anger. My fist was also clenched around my umbrella.