Saturday was rough. I didn’t feel particularly awful when I woke up, but after about 3 hours or at around 8 AM, I started to falter. I was just so tired. And overwhelmed. I saw the list I keep on our kitchen white board and NOTHING was getting done other than we now have a baby book. I also can feel the creeping miasma of hormones working its way through my brain. I hate that. I really do. You’re aware that you’re not reacting well/turning ugly, but like Dr. David Banner, you are powerless to stop yourself from turning into a bloated green beast and raging around the house. Not really. But I did bust out of a pair of pajama bottoms this weekend.
Psychologically, I just went around the bend. I started having horrible, horrible thoughts. A total freak out. What in the world were we thinking having another baby? What would have been wrong with life with our fantastic little girl? Now she’s going to be stressed and at least temporarily feel neglected. If we didn’t have this next baby coming, we could focus on picking out and building her a swing set instead of trying to find time for Will to build a co-sleeper. School and child care would be set. She’s already enrolled, and while it is going to be more costly, it’s doable. But now paying tuition for 2? And what about the gap in childcare, potentially a 3-6 month gap? And those crushing double payments while we dig ourselves out of debt? How will we sleep and then function? Will we ever have any fun again?
I seriously hate myself when I get like that. I feel like such a damn whiner, and I am. I promise, oh faithful readers: I generally don’t think I’m a whiney person. I think it just gets to you, when you just don’t feel so well for a decent stretch of time. That, however, does not alleviate the guilt of not feeling anything but warm fuzziness and anticipation at the thought of meeting your new child.
I started to look at my old postings for the 3-4 weeks leading up to Stella’s birth. It IS pretty cool to be able to go back and see that. Thanks, WordPress! I ranted and raved a whole lot about being hot and swollen. It was late summer. I ranted and raved a bit about back and pelvic discomfort, the latter of which I described as a “bikini of pain” whenever I stood up. Mainly I fretted and frothed about the upcoming baby extraction and agonizing about selecting the method thereof. Like BY now, Stella was projected to be HUGE, and due to a very high position and lack of any progression within my own body as those final weeks ticked down, we went with the C-section route. It wasn’t the easiest decision, but it ended up being a good one.
Anyway, just about every mom out there will give you the “you forget all about the pain/discomfort” when you see your child for the first time quip. And largely, they/we are right. While I do remember not being enamored with the process of being pregnant, I don’t remember it being this uncomfortable. And based on what I read from the last go ‘round, I wasn’t The back and pelvic pain are often pretty hard core at the moment. Factor that in with the hideous effects from the hormones and I just feel like a mess. I will say this: remember that blog I posted a while ago about having some angst about tying my tubes? Yeah, well THAT’S gone at least.
I’ve been looking at the photo album from Stella’s birth and first year, mainly trying to get her to check it out with me so she can get used to the idea of baby stuff. It brings a lot of the joy back. This makes me feel a bit more balanced about BY. I know I walked into that hospital scared to death and utterly miserable at the idea of what was going to happen to me. I can remember crying just signing the damn papers in the admission office. But I honestly hadn’t even remembered all of that until I started really thinking about BY’s arrival. I DO remember that first look at Stella, and craning my neck on the table trying to watch what was happening to her, demanding that Will stay with her every second, wanting to know her APGAR score. It felt like just a few minutes but I know it had to be longer based on what Will told me (his narrated version of events is pretty good https://larva225.wordpress.com/2010/10/28/where-theres-a-will-theres-a-way/) and the fact that I do remember my neck cramping up after turning my head to the left for so long. Gotta love drugs.
Anyway, I just need to try to stay sane, balanced, and logical. My mother is once again closer by and we had a super-productive day yesterday with respect to prep. I feel infinitely more calm knowing that things are getting done finally. Will’s family are having a little sprinkle for us next Sunday, which is sweet and very helpful. Physically, I just need to try to suck it up for about 3.5 more weeks. It will be OK. Bear with me, y’all.