Baby Blues. Not Eyes. Just Blues.

This has been hard. I knew bringing a second baby home
particularly with Stella still being so young would be challenging. I think I underestimated it. I think what’s caught me off guard is that the stuff I though would be easy hasn’t been, and vice versa. I started a blog 4 days ago and just haven’t had time to finish it. I’ve got notes and intentions of writing at least 3-4 more and just can’t get it out. It sucks as I enjoy this online raving that I do. It’s cathartic and it’s really about the only release I have. Now I feel as if this stuff is bottle-necking or coagulating in my noggin. This makes me feel crazier than I do already.

There has been some acting out with Stella, but not as much as I would have thought. Her diet has been a bit out of whack, but mainly her bedtime has taken a huge hit. In a week it’s been moved back by 2 hours, and it takes the sacrifice of at least one live bull and chicken to get her to go to bed. By the time she finally is asleep, the grown ups are so annoyed and exhausted that there’s no time for ourselves or each other. This makes all the arguing amongst ourselves feel even more intense, when there’s no time to spend just sitting on the couch holding hands and watching Elementary or Big Bang Theory as a way to connect. There was even some drama with my mother and husband which hasn’t helped. When I try to think about the cause and effect, it seems so ridiculous. Yet it became this Thing and this Thing made/makes me feel worse. It’s awful enough when the 2 people you usually want to talk to the most about your troubles don’t feel accessible to you, but when you add in recovery from a section, 2 children under the age of 3, and the 103 magnification of hormones, it’s so much worse.

But back to Stella. She really is OK. The miscellaneous grown ups have done their best to give her outings and adventures. I feel totally conflicted. On one hand, I feel this immense sense of relief when she’s out and about and then guilt at my relief; I’ve been blown away at how big and strong she is compared to Felix and I just can’t/don’t trust her near him. That’s a big sense of guilt, too. How can I not trust my wonderful little girl? And I hate that I’m missing the adventures she’s having, although the respite it brings is so necessary.

I know this shit all balances out in the end. I feel like such a pussy for whining and bitching, and the non-stop weeping is horrendous. I’m still within the 2 week window where these emotions are “normal” according to the professionals, but you know what? This IS NOT NORMAL FOR ME. I hate it. If there was a pill I could take yesterday to make this feel better, I would have taken it.

The one and probably only solace I have is that Felix has been the most chill, calm baby I’ve ever seen. This kid just naps, eats, poops, and looks around. He hardly ever cries and at night sleeps at least 3 hours at a stretch. He’s nursing like a champ. I’m almost afraid to type those words, fearing the dreaded jinxing of myself, but there you go.

Sorry for unburdening myself on you, internet buddies. It’s just been a hell of a week. I hope to be back soon with my usual angst about bodily functions and the like.

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About larva225

Working mom. Is there any other kind? Geologist. Nerd.
This entry was posted in Parenting, pregnancy and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Baby Blues. Not Eyes. Just Blues.

  1. my27stars says:

    I want to just give you a big ol’ hug! I can imagine how absolutely tough of a time you’re going through right now. Don’t feel bad about unloading burdens or whining or anything. You’re a human with real feelings, and if you’re having a hard time talking to someone at home, well that’s what we’re (at least I’m) here for lady! I am kind of upset, however, about the lack of pictures in this post. 🙂

  2. bjklinetobe says:

    Keep your head up!! I think we (parents as a whole) all have or will go through the turmoil that you are currently going through. Keeping telling yourself tomorrow, next week or whatever will be/get better.
    For the record, Elementary was not that great of an episode this week, but understand that is not the point…it’s the connection that you need and want.

    I love reading your blogs!!!

  3. Maggie says:

    I’m sure it isn’t normal for you but it is completely normal for the situation. I felt all of the feelings you describe. Every time my first came near my second I felt my whole body tense up. Soo so common. Stella will learn how to slow down and be gentle. It sounds like you’re more bothered than mellow Felix. And, don’t forget, as small as he is, babies are tough, rubbery little buggers! My first two were all over my third and he loved them to pieces. Take time to rest and relax. Your body needs to chill and your mind will follow. Give yourself some slack…perfection isn’t expected or required.

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