So y’all had to know this blog was coming at some point. I guess it’s time to discuss the Apparatus. I’ve already talked about some of the differences between Felix and his sister with respect to the stinkiness of diapers and farts, as well as the tendency of the boy to hose everyone and everything with baby pee, generating about 8 loads of laundry per week. At least the latter item is directly a result of the fact that he has an Apparatus vs. standard girl bits that we’ve all grown accustomed to.
One thing that surprised the heck out of both Will and myself was the size of the dangly parts (by that I mean not the water main itself). They (it?) just seem comically enormous, especially at first. I don’t think either of us expected that, although we’ve come to learn that every parent of a boy-child learns this. And no, I don’t think for a second that my kid has a lewd career in front of him.
So, OK that part is big. So what? Well, what was a huge adjustment was cleaning up, under, and around these things after a particularly vile diaper. Or really, any diaper containing solid-type baby waste. Obviously, I don’t have this type of issue on my own body to worry about. As girls, once we’ve learned how to deposit our waste in a commode as is socially acceptable, we no longer have to worry about poo getting squished up into our girl bits. This is something we had to learn about with Stella, particularly for Will. I think both of us were looking forward to avoiding this kind of thing with a boy-child. Instead? Poo gets other strange places.
For instance, you know how folks say that if you stretched out a person’s small intestine it would measure 3.7 miles? Probably not that long, but it is something rather impressive. I think that if you were to trace all of the little folds and wrinkles on that part of a baby boy’s Apparatus and then transcribe it end to end, it would reach to Neptune and back. There is a huge amount of folds and wrinkles on those things! And my god, underneath?! You can fit less poo in the trunk of a Volvo. It’s ridiculous. He ought to be a smuggler! Trying to clean out all of these little spaces is damn near impossible. Thank goodness his stump fell off and we can bathe him now. Too bad he hates it.
Now that I think of it, I think it’s the Apparatus that is causing my household to go through wipes like crazy. Sure, there are days when it’s just a Poopapalooza around here with 2 kids in diapers, but we used to keep a ratio of 1:1 case of diapers: case of wipes. Not anymore. And I can’t hold Stella responsible for this one, as she’s fairly conservative with the amount of diapers and wipes she uses at this point.