A popular topic of conversation when a group of imaginative folks are bored is the tried and true “if you could have a super power, what would it be?” Many road trips have passed using this method, and it’s actually a whole lot of fun to think about. Kind of like the “if you had a time machine, when would you go” mental romp.
Sophomoric guys (and girls, I guess) giggle about having X-ray vision. Loads of people say they’d like to fly. I used to say I’d like the power of time manipulation. Not like time machine-back-to-see-the-dinosaurs stuff, but being able to back up and/or fast-forward a handful of minutes or hours. I could prevent accidents and murders. I could collect lotto or casino winnings. With those winnings, I could disburse large amounts of money to charities, thereby doing even more good. I could also hasten uncomfortable or unfortunate events, such as getting a pap smear. It would be useful.
Then the other day, I thought of something that might be even better: The force. No, I don’t want a lightsaber, although I wouldn’t turn one down if it were offered to me. Specifically, I would like to be able to levitate stuff from across the room. Telekinesis, I guess. But I could give a shit about some kind of Uri Geller spoonbending angst. I’m talking about the “I’m trapped under 2 napping children and I’m bored/thirsty/could be getting something done” phenomenon.
You see, just last week I was home for the day and the kids sacked out. I don’t usually nap anymore with the kids. I guess I’ve gotten used to being tired and some nights just aren’t as bad anymore; Felix only gets up a couple of times and it’s usually really quick – nurse and right back out. While I don’t need the nap, the kids often do. And as their mother, I’m their favorite stuffed animal. There will be no nap unless I’m there with them. I found myself with Felix on my chest and Stella up against my shoulder hanging on to my arm even in her sleep. Across the room was a blouse I was trying to do some surgery on by removing some elastic. It was going to be painstaking work pulling out all those stitches – perfect for sitting still while kids sleep. But it was all the way across the room. I thought of Luke Skywalker and the wampa (snow beast) on Hoth. As I’m sure everyone recalls, he’s finally able to levitate his lightsaber in the nick of time before getting eaten. While seam-ripping isn’t as important as life-saving, it still would have been pretty damn handy.
I could use the Force to pick up toys or block Stella from leaving the kitchen before I can wipe the syrup off of her hands and face, thereby introducing that stickiness into the living room. I could change DVD’s in the player while nursing, or get Stella a snack or more milk. I could go to the casino and “help” that pesky slot machine hit all 7’s, thereby winning the jackpot. I would share with charity. After making sure my kids’ college funds were flush.
Yep, I think the Force would be a mom’s best friend. Other than maybe having eyes in the back of your head. But that would be ugly and be a bitch to style hair around.