I feel stupid. People talk about “mommy brain,” but I’m not sure that’s what this is. I’ve had that before: the forgetfulness, the frequent vacant stares. I’ve never locked myself out of my house or car (yet), nor do I lose stuff like keys. I do occasionally lose track of what I’m saying. Who the hell am I kidding? I lose track of what I’m saying a whole lot. But that could possible be blamed on the constant background cacophony that I live with.
No, this is something else.
Once upon a time, I used to feel somewhat intelligent. Clever, even. Not anymore. I used to enjoy lively debates and philosophical discussions. Keep that stuff away from me now. I used to feel smart. Now I feel like a dope. I read other people’s blogs – not the formal scholarly ones, but the usual run-of-the-mill postings – and they are writing intelligently about all manner of things: medical issues, current events, or just out-of-the-box thinking. I don’t feel capable of that anymore. I don’t even feel capable of reading that stuff anymore. No, I feel relegated to the realms of poop and Bubble Guppies.
I hate it.
I feel like my work is suffering. Some of that is just bad timing. I have a lot on my desk at work in addition to the usual familial obligations. It’s just a busy interval for me. But it seems like I can’t get enough time to sit at my desk at work and just get my damn head in the game. My boss (who is wonderful, and I don’t just write that because he occasionally reads this crap) has had to prop me up a bit lately. That just eats at me. I wish Crispi were here. I could use a full week at the office with no telecommuting just to feel like I was catching up. My job is important. Not just because we must have that paycheck, but because it’s been a bit part of my identity. Now I feel like that part is crumbling.
I’m sure a lot of this is fatigue. Today I felt absolute despair when Stella came bounding out at 5:00 AM, her usual time. I’ve been getting up this early or earlier EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR ALMOST THREE YEARS. Now I have the added drain of Felix waking up to nurse 2-4 times a night on top of working full time. I know lots of women do this. I just don’t feel like I’m managing so well right now.
I want to feel bright again. I want to debate stuff like global warming and feel as if I could join an intelligent discussion about current events (if there is such a thing). I want to be able to focus on some of the calculations I need to be able to focus on for work without it looking like something written in Sanskrit. Surely my IQ didn’t accrete itself to my children and depart my body with them?