So we’re starting a new chapter. Unfortunately, it feels as if it’s taking a very long time to turn the damn page. I’ll get to be in the office for a whopping combined total of 5 ½ hours today and tomorrow, spending the rest of my time with my children.
I was asked by my mother yesterday via text to think about writing a positive note about motherhood, as I think she and my aunts are afraid I’ll scare my cousins out of ever reproducing (sorry, mom, if that was supposed to be a secret) – that they’ll think it’s too hard and not worth it. I texted back to ask me again tomorrow, that today HAD been too hard. And it was.
It started with another damn cough and cold, courtesy of the Stepford Academy and Germ Farm. That’s really like a final “F You” from them. Every time I hear Stella cough, I think of them. Insult to injury and all that. It reminds me of when I miscarried and had a bad experience with the staff at my former OB’s office. When I started receiving bills for the ultrasounds weeks later it was like diarrhea icing on a shit cake. So yeah. She’s coughing and has snot pouring from her face. It may also be making her feel bad, but she doesn’t tell us anything.
Despite the cough and mucous, Saturday was a really good day. Stella was a model inmate. Her communication was magnificent. She used lots of 4-5 word sentences and even gave me opinions on some things (vs. just yes/no or black/white type of choices). She was cheerful. We didn’t do a whole lot – just chilled around the house and jumped on the” tramopween” a couple of times. It was a nice day. I felt really positive by the end of it.
Yesterday was a different story. From the get-go, we got Bizarro Stella. She wasn’t listening. She was being deliberately defiant. And that stupid horrendous yelling. She just randomly bellows for no reason. It’s not sustained, just a short burst of “Aaaaa!” She’s done it for several months and we don’t know why. She barely bellowed on Saturday. Maybe like twice all day long. But yesterday was terrible. I think she was in Time Out at least a dozen times.
Despite that, I figured we’d all get out together and go to Wal Mart for our weekly groceries. Usually Will goes alone as it’s just easier. I’m scared, however, that with Stella not in school for at least the next 5 weeks that we’re going to end up just sitting around the house all the time, going nowhere and watching way way too much TV. I want to keep working on some of her problem behaviors and just try to keep a positive momentum going. That means we need to brave stuff like going to the store.
After a good start, she flipped out in Wal Mart. On the floor, tears, and screaming. She recovered by the end but it’s traumatic and embarrassing. The rest of the day at home was worse. Again, she may not have been feeling well, but it’s troubling. We start to worry that maybe the Stepford Academy was right.
Meanwhile, there’s Felix. The poor little dude has been teething and teething and teething. He’s producing so much drool I could probably irrigate all of sub-Saharan Africa with it. But the worst thing is the constant moaning. He makes this growly moaning noise constantly and he will do it for hours. Oh. My. God. It is the most irritating sound I’ve ever heard in my life. Had the Special Forces had a tape of Felix outside of Noriega’s compound he would have folded in about 12 minutes. They wouldn’t have needed all of that heavy metal.
So yeah. Things feel pretty low right now. But is it worth it? Would I still have not one but both of my kids? Yes. Without a moment of doubt. Even with the school drama, the snot, the moaning, the drool. Even though I feel totally exhausted and stressed. Even though my body has sustained irrevocable changes (and not for the better).
My dear cousins (and anyone else listening who might be trying to decide whether or not to spawn), all it takes is the feel of that newborn little head under your chin as they snuggle up to you. That alone makes it worth it. And when their head isn’t so little anymore, listening to that little voice sing “You Are My Sunshine” can erase the tension caused by at least 34 tantrums. Feeling their little arms squeezing your neck too hard while saying “I so love you” will feel like the sleep deprivation was a bargain. Even just watching them sleep, with their little lashes resting on their cheeks is enough to make it worth your while.
This is why today I’m watching the news for Kate Middleton’s baby. Not because I give a rat’s ass about the royals. But because it’s a baby, man. It’s significant. This is why despite my age, my hatred for being pregnant, and all the drama we’ve experienced lately, I still sometimes feel a pang that my tubes are tied and I’ll never know who else I/we might have created. I feel that pang every time I see an ultrasound picture on Facebook or read someone’s birth story in a blog.
So yes. Spawn, if you want to. It’s going to be hard, absolutely. But you needn’t worry that it won’t be “worth it.”