It’s time to start finding more balance. For the last 3 + years, I’ve eaten, breathed, and slept (or not) my babies. I’ve coasted at work. I’ve stopped paying attention to things that I previously used to enjoy or have an interest in. My kids have been my addiction. In a way this is a good thing. In a way, it’s not. I don’t mean to suggest at all that I’m going to withdraw from my children. On the contrary. I need my fix. I love my kids. I’m just tired of asking stuff like “What’s Syria?” or “Is it September or October?”
Recently an old friend of mine asked me to be a cohost on an internet radio show that he broadcasts from time to time. Once upon a time I had a chance to check it out, and it’s pretty funny: a couple of dudes talking current events, nerd-dom, music, and assorted amusing gobbelty-gook. He thought that I might be an interesting female counterpoint from time to time. 5 years ago I would have LOVED to do this. Now? I can’t. I’m afraid and embarrassed. I would have nothing to contribute other than lamenting about how tired I am, the difference between expressive and receptive language delays, and the merits of Huggies diapers.
I’ve been thinking a lot about that, not doing that radio show. It sounds silly but it’s really a good example of how I feel a lot. When Will and I talk, it’s invariably about the kids (me) or how much he hates his job (him). It’s pitiful. I would have to think long and hard to find an example of when we had some casual just-for-fun discussion. We used to do that all the time.
So I’m making an effort to branch out, to regain me a bit. I think in some cases I’ve been successful so far, but I’m baby-stepping. Even simple things like going to websites devoted to science news make me happy and seem to stimulate some part of my brain long-atrophied. I’m trying to really get into my job again. I actually ordered myself some new underwear. Nothing exotic. Just some cotton Hanes bikinis, but it’s the first non-maternity underwear (or underwear of any kind) I’ve bought in 3 years. I went to brunch with my friend E 2 Saturdays ago. It always feels so selfish doing stuff like that – leaving Will with the kids and “wasting” time and money on just myself. But I have to say I feel like a million bucks after.
And then there’s my hair. We’ve already talked about that.
So I’m rebranding myself. Call it a response to my little girl turning 3 soon. Call it my imminent 40th birthday. Call it a reaction to looking at my own blog title “babyknitting” and realizing that that’s just not appropriate anymore, that my babyknitting days are done and I’m moving into a new chapter of my life. I think it’s probably time to shake things up a bit.