Getting dressed has become a huge pain in the ass. As a matter of fact, short of bathing suit shopping, there is very little out there in the “personal care” category that can make me feel worse. And lucky me, I get to do this daily.
Why is this an issue? I offer the following:
Exhibit A: As is typical after having a child (children), I have not been 100% happy with my body. It just hasn’t bounced back from Felix the way it did with Stella. I don’t need to elaborate much. Suffice it to say that I hate the numbers on the clothing tags now.
Exhibit B: I’m old. Or, I’m too old to wear certain things even if I had the physique for them. I can remember just 10-15 years ago going shopping with my mother and thinking “Man, there’s nothing for me in this store. It’s all old lady shit.” Now I’m in those stores. Depressing.
Exhibit C: I live in an F’ing football town.
I really don’t like football. I don’t get it. It’s alien to me. The only reason I pay attention at all to what the local team, LSU, is doing is so we know when to go or not to go places. Beyond that it’s just not my thing.
With that in mind, understand that I’m surrounded by football maniacs down here. If there was football-flavored Kool-Aid, they’d be drinking it. When you’re in line at the grocery store, someone will inevitably turn to you and say, “Big game tonight, eh?” When you reply “You know, I really don’t follow football,” these asshats will proceed to tell you all about it ANYWAY. And if you’re really (un)lucky, after they’ve shared their LSU lust, they’ll launch into how the NO Saints are doing.
It’s kind of like when Jehovah’s Witnesses come to your door. They won’t take “no” for Jesus, either.
Anyway, I actually had an outfit on one day last week that I felt GOOD about: a hound’s-tooth pencil skirt with a red camisole, white blouse, and red boots. I was pleased with my appearance when I left the house. Until I ran into the first football fan asshat who proceeded to ask me what in hell I thought I was doing, that the hounds tooth and red + white were ALABAMA colors, and that was where the Devil Nick Saban had gone when he finked out on LSU. I thought hounds-tooth was a classic fabric, but it seems someone named Bear wore it.
(I swear to god if any of you out there try to tell me all about Bear I’ll ban you. I’m not tech savvy, but I’ll find a way…)
I wanted to go home and burn my clothing. I once had a cute purse that I loved until someone told me it was purple and gold. I just thought it was a cute purse with a neat graphic print. I put it in the Goodwill bin.
It’s like a gang war, only it’s involving bloody football teams. It pisses me off. If I were a bit more nimble and could sing, I’d break into song and dance about being a shark or a jet. Bastards.
If I could go back in time, I’d go into the medical profession. Then I could just wear scrubs every single day and not have to worry about sizes, styles, or the colors of some stupid football team.