I look around sometimes when it’s quiet (Did I really just say that?) and don’t recognize my life. Some things are physical about myself:
- I have some wrinkles. Mostly on my forehead, some around my eyes.
- I have gained a horrible (to me) amount of weight.
- When it’s not covered by 3+ layers of hair dye, gray hair.
Other things are more bizarre:
- If you were to collect all of the spilled (thrown) snacks from the floorboard of my car, you could assemble quite an impressive snack mix containing yogurt raisins, M&Ms, goldfish crackers, and pretzels – all stale. I’m sure the desiccated fries would add a certain je ne sais quoi to the mixture.
- My purse contents are absolutely mad. Diapers, wipes, pacifiers, lipstick, sucker wrappers, keys, empty snack containers (the contents of which were spilled/thrown in the car), receipts, yarn with knitting needles, wallet with checkbook, rattling toys, sippie cup. It weighs about 46 pounds. I’m amazed I do carry extra weight on my butt. Hauling my purse around should be the equivalent of extreme weight training.
- On Tuesday, I enjoyed dried breast milk on my pants. That’s right. My pants. Not my shirt or the interior of my bra. This happened at work, so I had to sit prisoner at my desk until it dried, because of course it was near my crotch. No, no one would think I actually peed myself, but I hate the looks of people trying not to look. How did I spill breast milk on my pants? Easy. I was pumping and trying to play Candy Crush (damn that game) while I was doing it. I guess I didn’t have the cups sealed well and next thing I knew there’s warm wetness on my leg…Yada, yada, yada. And any nursing mom – current or former – knows that milk stains leave this odd halo on fabric. Otherwise, I could have Jackson Pollocked my pants with some more milk and pretended it was a subtle print.
- I just realized I’m at the office wearing Stella’s Hello Kitty headband.
- I’m getting sick AGAIN. Damn these wee, cute little Petri dishes. Damn them and their snots to hell. I’ve been ill more this year than I’ve been in the last 10 years at least.
- My couch cushions have changed state. It might be some kind of hybrid “cold plasma,” whereby the batting no longer functions as a solid or a liquid. I think NASA should come and pick my couch up for investigation and leave me a new one. It’d be better if the new one was covered in plastic. Yeah, I’ll be that old lady with the plastic-covered couch until the kids go to college. Not only would it keep snot and other assorted bodily fluids off of it, when they go to jump on it, they will probably lose their footing and slide off. Bonus!