Maybe it’s because I’m a mother of 2 mobile children now, but sometimes I look around and wonder how/why certain ideas and products came to be. Surely these are instances in which someone (anyone) with forethought and plain damn sense could look and predict utter and absolute disaster. It’s like watching that little old lady with a walker about to hit that patch of black ice. You know it can only end badly.
- The Sit and Spin: I’ve now written about it several times (https://larva225.wordpress.com/2014/01/09/mistake-it-or-leave-it/). TERRIBLE IDEA.
- Fat –free cheese: I’m all for improving foodstuffs. I dig molecular gastronomy and firmly believe that often science can greatly improve or enhance food’s flavor, texture, and nutritional value. But fat free cheese? This has been manipulated to the extent that it has ceased to be anything of what it was. The flavor is awful. The texture is….not. Just as an El Camino was to be hip hybrid between a car and pickup truck, fat-free cheese is the bastard love child of a cow’s fart and candle wax. I’d rather never ever eat cheese again in my entire life than eat this abomination.
- Gyrobowl: Anyone remember the infomercials for these things? The bowl that was unspillable. The footage was heartwarming, showing lots of young tykes riding in cars and jumping on the couch with their snacks staying neatly in their bowls. I took the bait. I paid some ridiculous price for a single snack bowl. After a week it was dumped in a Goodwill pile (https://larva225.wordpress.com/2011/09/23/the-year-of-the-cack/). Essentially, if you wanted to guarantee spillage of your snack, please place in your Gyrobowl. It was absurd how well they spilled snacks. It didn’t matter what it was: goldfish, cheerios, yogurt raisins. It was on the floor or wedged in seat cushions. You would have thought I would have learned from my mistake after ordering the Perfect Pancake. Yeah, it’s perfect until you go to turn the mo-fo. Then batter gets slung all over your stove and ends up stinking up your kitchen as it begins to flame in the heating elements.
- Chocolate fountain at buffets: we have a chain of all-you-can-eat “steakhouse” buffets around here called the Golden Corral. Already these places are rather disgusting. Buffets in general just creep me out. Sure, they have sneeze guards (shudder). But I’ve seen my own kid at birthday parties take her hand out of her pants and grab for some cupcake icing or a fistful of pretzels. She doesn’t get “tongs.” Furthermore, the whole “all you can eat” concept on its own is a bad one. Hey, let’s create a ginormous trough where people who probably aren’t getting enough physical activity can eat until the food reaches their uvulas. Additionally, they can only use the Grade B meat and other ingredients in order to make this thing at all cost-effective given the amount of food these fat-asses can put away. Suuuuuuure. Buffets are swell. But to add a chocolate fountain to this?! Oh, the bacteria-coated avarice. CDC, where are you and your swabs?!
What do y’all think belongs on this list? I’m sure I’m barely scratching the surface.