You know how most superheroes have utility belts where they keep all manner of useful superhero-ey items? I’ve decided I need a mom closet. A padlocked secret closet or pantry for everything I need to be a mom on a daily basis. Inside would be:
- Arts and crafts stuff – this shit ends up spread all over the house and there’s nothing like scrambling to find glitter while the glue or paint is drying at an unbelievable pace or having to run to get more paper only to turn around and OHMYGODSHEGOTTHESCISSORS. I want bins with markers, crayons, loads and loads of paint, paper, glitter, sequins, glue. I want it to look like those amazing closets on Pinterest. Damn you, Pinterest, for raising the bar to unattainable heights.
- A huge keg of wine.
- Candy for bribes – it doesn’t even have to be the good stuff. You know those gold coin chocolates that kids love? You know how the chocolate inside is total crap that tastes more of wax than of chocolate? You know how the kids don’t seem to give a shit and eat it anyway? That kind of candy. That way I’m not tempted to eat it myself.
- A case of Lysol wipes, already opened, with the end of the wipes fed through the little toothy opening which invariably rapes my cuticles.
- A case of paper towels, already opened.
- A second keg of wine for when the first invariably runs dry.
- One of those Roomba robots which would swoop out when arts and crafts are done to suck up the 8 pounds of glitter on the floor.
- Bobby Flay, who can swoop out, looking quite huggable, and make me food.
- A small cubby where I can climb in and hide from the
I figure this thing ought to measure about 6’x6’ and would cost a few million dollars. Easy peasy.