I exaggerate. It was 3:15, actually. That’s when my children thought it would be appropriate to get up this morning. It had been a typical night up to that point. Kids went to sleep. I went to sleep a couple of hours later. 30 minutes after that, Felix woke up. Out of my usual desperation, I dragged him into bed with me – or in this case, to the couch. So far, so good.
At 3:15, my daughter came bursting out of the kids’ room like the human cannonball and rocketed toward the “big bed.” The “big bed” is where Will and I, in theory, sleep. Usually it’s one or the other of us, and if it’s me, there’s usually a kid present as well. You do what you have to do.
Anyway. I was on the couch, Will was in the “big bed.” I guess he didn’t provide whatever it was she needed (a semi-awake grown up to cover her up, cuddle, whatever) so she immediately came shooting down the hall to the couch where I was already in a protective position to deflect her bony knees/elbows from my sleeping son and my own soft bits as much as possible.
Felix slept through her initial arrival. She lay down at the opposite end of the couch, putting her feet on me. This really means she was either kicking me or attempting to shove her toes in my ass. That’s what it felt like, anyway. Then she started whining or growling, demanding blankets. I covered her as best I as I could while still trying desperately to keep Felix asleep. I knew if I could get her to settle down and shut the hell up before she woke up the dude, I had a shot in hell of getting another hour of sleep.
The gods were laughing at me this morning. Right as she settled down, Felix woke up. I think he got pissed because part of a blanket landed on his toes. He will not tolerate any type of fabric touching his feet at night. He started jabbering, she started bitching. I almost cried. Instead, I turned on the TV and Netflix. They’ve added Fantasia. That’s some seriously trippy shit. Disney must’ve had a major hallucinogenic budget back in the day.
It’s just not right. It’s not fair. In a past life, I must’ve been some kind of horrible narcoleptic who fell asleep at the wheel and mowed down a bus full of kids or something. That’s the only explanation for this long-term pain and suffering.
If I can make it through today, I will be going to bed at 7:00 PM tonight. No Sons of Anarchy (my latest obsession). No wine. Just blissful slumber.
You watch. My kids will probably be up howling at the moon until10:00 or something.