Like everyone else, I have a major love-hate relationship with Pinterest. Sure, I’ve spent hours scanning pins, seeing what’s out there. Sure, I’ve actually attempted to make/create what I’ve pinned. I would estimate that I’ve actually tried 3% of my pins/ideas. At least half of that 3% has either somewhat or epically failed, such as my black olive spider-topped deviled eggs or the DIY baby skid-proof socks using puff paint; cool idea but imagine trying to walk with about 15 rocks in each shoe….that’s what Stella’s foot looked like when I took her sock off after trying that one.
Lots of what you see on Pinterest is crap – all those fashion boards, showing some kind of skinny jeans/leggings perfectly paired with a blouse, some kind of jacket, and every accessory to make you a chic chick. Bollocks. I haven’t been able to wear that kind of stuff in 20 years, and couldn’t afford it then. Most of it is unattainable, from those travel destinations you’ll never reach to those frustrating pins which don’t actually contain a live link or recipe.
Still, I have had some Pinterest success stories. I’ve actually cooked a few decent recipes. My cupcakes at the cupcake exchange worked this past year, thanks to Pinterest. And while it seems we all pin, I’m amazed at least once a week by those notices which tell me that “so and so” joined. I thought we were all assimilated by now.
So in the interest of helping my fellow humans and new pinners, here are some helpful Pinterest hints, or what things really mean on Pinterest:
Yuppie: This word seems to be making a comeback. What this obviously means is that pinners are beginning to subconsciously understand that the term “hipster” inspires visceral hatred. Furthermore, it pays homage to a different, better era when men didn’t wear skinny pants (shudder), but instead opted for white.
Simple: Don’t kid yourself. Nine times out of ten, “simple” means demonically complicated and doomed to fail. If a craft or DIY project actually fesses up to being “advanced” or “not for beginners,” call in F’ing Bob Vila. You’re screwed. Do not attempt it. If it’s a recipe, “simple” means you’ll need a piping bag with dozens of attachments or food tweezers (a la the deviled eggs mentioned above).
Only 4 Ingredients: This means you’re going to end up with a pan/slow-cooker full of unhealthy crap that is somehow sodium-bloated yet bland at the same time. Oh and texture? The food won’t have any.
Charming: This means small and expensive. I don’t care if it’s a diamond pendant or one of those quaint Greek villages on an azure coastline. It’s out of your range. It’s out of my range. The only people that can afford this shit have the last name of Trump or Kardashian. Don’t pin it. You’re wasting your time.
Flavorful: This usually means bland as hell. Imagine a bowl of damp shredded cardboard and that’s what this recipe will taste like.
Boho: This refers to a style of clothing which can only be worn by 22 year old skinny girls with boobs that are very small and have obviously never suckled a child. The rest of us would look like fat hippos in flowing flowery prints with our boobs down to our groins. Why? Because “boho” also means “you can’t possibly wear a bra with this.”
Paleo or Gluten-free: No processed food flour blah blah blah. Shut up.
Vintage: This obviously means “expensive.”
Cheesy: This means you might not be able to take a dump for 3 days and the recipe will call for either $50 in real cheese or $12 worth of Velveeta.
Anything showcasing hair, makeup, or nails: You fool. You cannot do this yourself. You will have to pay a professional to maybe pull it off. DIY my ass.
Anything Etsy: 99% of the time that means it’s long-gone, sold-out, bye bye. You get to admire and covet what you’ll never have.
This list is by no means comprehensive. And despite my obvious irritation, I still love me some Pinterest. Now I’m off. I want to see what I can DIY using Mardi gras beads.