Before I can even put to rest the whole dot/Harpy teacher phenomenon, there’s a whole new front in the school-related irritation campaign. It involves a whole lot of little events/holidays/things which require money and/or participation dumped on families with little to no warning.
Here’s how it went down. Last night (yes, a Sunday night), our school system’s “alert” network went off. This is basically a multi-media, multi-front barrage of information. Simultaneously, my cell phone rang, beeped, and chimed as I got a phone call, text message, and email at the same time. I think it’s quite normal to think that with so many damn bells and whistles something calamitous is happening – a fire, a shooting, a presidential campaign. But no. It is a list of “tidbits” read in the soothing tones of Stella’s principal. Here’s what she threw at us:
- School pictures are Friday. It’s a free dress day. Wear your favorite clothes and your smile.
- Early dismissal is Wednesday. Yes, moms and dads, despite the fact that your kid just got Labor Day off, plus a lagniappe day on the Friday before, you must burn 2 additional hours of leave for no particular reason. There’s nothing like a consistent schedule to help children get into the swing of a new school year, no?
- The deadline for candy pimping is Thursday. Bring the money or get a beat-down. Gah! Thankfully, my colleagues have been trapped in the office with my candy and I only have 5 units left to sell. I’ve just made a shit-load of signs, indicating “Going Going GONE!!” The entrance to my office looks like Khalid’s Rug Emporium. But I pity the parents who got strong-armed into taking 2 boxes of 30 units each and didn’t have a captive audience to force candy on. The message didn’t say anything about returning unsold product.
- The week of 9/21-9/25 is something to do with being a Wildlife Warrior. Oh, and the information was sent home last week (not). It’s attached to the email if you didn’t get it. Gee, thanks.
- You can wear special t-shirts and hats all week which must be ordered by Wednesday (early dismissal day). They’re only $10 each.
- There’s some day where there’s a mask contest. This costs $2.
- There’s another day with free dress. If you pay $2.
- There’s another day with a “safari shop.” Just send your kid with some money so she can buy some overpriced plastic crap.
- Finally on Friday, there’s a “slumber party.” If you pay, you can participate in fun activities until 9:00 PM. Then you can leave or actually sleep at school. For more money, you can eat dinner there. (Note: The only way I would ever consent to this would be if the Harpy was there and I had a really big heavy pillow or if one of the activities involved a dunking stool.)
- And be sure to schedule parent/teacher conferences if you have any “concerns.”
It’s all these tiny little niggling details. Don’t they know I have a job?! Don’t they know I have 2 kids under 5? How in the hell am I supposed to keep up with this merde?! And it’s a lot of merde. So much merde that I’ve just made a color-coded calendar to hang in my kitchen to make sure I don’t F up and miss something. And oh my glob the holidays are coming. WTF will that be like?!
I need medication (other than wine). I need aromatherapy. I need a vacation.