Nightmerde on Elm Street

Before I can even put to rest the whole dot/Harpy teacher phenomenon, there’s a whole new front in the school-related irritation campaign. It involves a whole lot of little events/holidays/things which require money and/or participation dumped on families with little to no warning.teach

Here’s how it went down.  Last night (yes, a Sunday night), our school system’s “alert” network went off.  This is basically a multi-media, multi-front barrage of information.  Simultaneously, my cell phone rang, beeped, and chimed as I got a phone call, text message, and email at the same time.  I think it’s quite normal to think that with so many damn bells and whistles  something calamitous is happening – a fire, a shooting, a presidential campaign.  But no.  It is a list of “tidbits” read in the soothing tones of Stella’s principal.  Here’s what she threw at us:

  • School pictures are Friday. It’s a free dress day.  Wear your favorite clothes and your smile.
  • Early dismissal is Wednesday. Yes, moms and dads, despite the fact that your kid just got Labor Day off, plus a lagniappe day on the Friday before, you must burn 2 additional hours of leave for no particular reason.  There’s nothing like a consistent schedule to help children get into the swing of a new school year, no?
  • The deadline for candy pimping is Thursday. Bring the money or get a beat-down.  Gah!  Thankfully, my colleagues have been trapped in the office with my candy and I only have 5 units left to sell.  I’ve just made a shit-load of signs, indicating “Going Going GONE!!”  The entrance to my office looks like Khalid’s Rug Emporium.  But I pity the parents who got strong-armed into taking 2 boxes of 30 units each and didn’t have a captive audience to force candy on. The message didn’t say anything about returning unsold product.
  • The week of 9/21-9/25 is something to do with being a Wildlife Warrior. Oh, and the information was sent home last week (not). It’s attached to the email if you didn’t get it.  Gee, thanks.
    • You can wear special t-shirts and hats all week which must be ordered by Wednesday (early dismissal day). They’re only $10 each.
    • There’s some day where there’s a mask contest. This costs $2.
    • There’s another day with free dress. If you pay $2.
    • There’s another day with a “safari shop.” Just send your kid with some money so she can buy some overpriced plastic crap.
    • Finally on Friday, there’s a “slumber party.” If you pay, you can participate in fun activities until 9:00 PM.  Then you can leave or actually sleep at school.  For more money, you can eat dinner there.  (Note: The only way I would ever consent to this would be if the Harpy was there and I had a really big heavy pillow or if one of the activities involved a dunking stool.)
  • And be sure to schedule parent/teacher conferences if you have any “concerns.”

It’s all these tiny little niggling details.  Don’t they know I have a job?!  Don’t they know I have 2 kids under 5?  How in the hell am I supposed to keep up with this merde?! And it’s a lot of merde.  So much merde that I’ve just made a color-coded calendar to hang in my kitchen to make sure I don’t F up and miss something. And oh my glob the holidays are coming.  WTF will that be like?!

I need medication (other than wine).  I need aromatherapy.  I need a vacation.


About larva225

Working mom. Is there any other kind? Geologist. Nerd.
This entry was posted in life, Parenting and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Nightmerde on Elm Street

  1. Meg C. DeBoe says:

    Holy crap! Talk about nickel-ing and dime-ing you to death!

  2. NickyB. says:

    Isn’t it ridiculous!!!

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