I went to bed last night feeling awful. It was a rough day.
Stella’s had a shaky week, no doubt partially because she’s readjusting after being off for spring break. Yesterday she cut up so badly she had to be removed from the classroom. That hasn’t happened in a while. I could tell immediately when I picked her up that she was checked out. It was just going to be one of those evenings.
She showed her butt so badly getting from the house to the car that she was sent straight to time out. She returned there 4 more times, once after slamming her brother’s face into the floor resulting in a bloody lip and nose. I don’t believe for a moment it was intentional. She just got too crazy and went overboard wrestling. It happens, I know. I just didn’t need it to happen yesterday. I yelled at her. Then I felt absolutely horrendous for that. I don’t want her to remember her mother as this angry screaming thing. Enter then the crushing guilt that comes with me getting angry and frustrated with her when it’s linked to things that are at least partially out of her control. If it is her brain chemistry – whether ADHD, sensory processing, whatever – punishing her for that is akin to someone yelling at me because I don’t naturally have 20/20 vision.
I’m worried about her. I’m worried about what happens this summer for her at camp with different kids in a more unstructured environment. I’m worried her school won’t get off their butts and return the ADHD screening paperwork so that we can get some more answers and potential strategies to deal with this stuff.
Our roof is still leaking and I found out our furnace is in pretty scary shape (not that we need a furnace right now in the deep south with summer hot on our heels). We need to do something about this stuff, but I’m not feeling really great about making that kind of decision right now.
Things at work are kind of stupid. I’m having to work harder to do my job, with the people who should be my support throwing major roadblocks in my way due to cowardice or ignorance.
I feel kind of squeezed on all sides right now.