I did something today I’ve never done in my professional life; after sitting at my desk for an hour, I decided I was too angry to be at work. So I left. I spoke to my immediate supervisor. He was cool. He understood. The things making me so incredibly angry and resentful are beyond his control. But I decided today I just could not do it – sit there and be civil and pretend. Fortunately, between telecommuting, some personal days scheduled, and field work, I really won’t have to be there much for the next couple of weeks. That’s good.
After I got home, and in between episodes of Outlander I was binge-watching in my grumpy state, it hit me: twice in 24 hours I lost my merde. Between unloading at the school yesterday and abandoning my post in disgust this morning, I have exhibited more emotional response than I typically share outwardly in several months. I usually stay buttoned up pretty tight. That’s also a huge reason why I keep this blog. It’s a massive outlet for someone like me, rather emotionally repressed.
The odd thing was/is, I didn’t/don’t feel bad about it. It’s oddly liberating. Sure, I wish I could have been a bit more organized and structured yesterday – there were things I wanted to say that flew out of my brain – but I think a lot of y’all were right: at that point, only signs of true suffering could adequately get their attention.
And thanks for that. All of you out there that commented either here or on Facebook. It meant the world.
I’d like to say that this is a new me – a me that is free to tell people to piss off when necessary. I’d do it with class, of course. Realistically I’ll probably go back to my natural state: hating to be emotional, hating to yell, hating conflict and avoiding it at all costs. But I hope to remember this feeling. It is empowering even if only for a moment. And maybe next time it won’t take ages before I rise up and let loose if someone tries to crap on my kid(s) or myself.