Amazonics Anonymous

My  name is Laura, and I’m an Amazon Prime addict. It’s been 22 hours and 20 minutes since my last purchase (not counting what’s waiting in my cart right now).

I started down the dark path of Prime thanks to my husband.  He was the gateway.  He lured me with the rationale that free 2 day shipping was worth $100 a year.  I was skeptical.  He pressed that we could stream stuff.  I replied – then – that we had DirecTV and didn’t need no stinking streaming.  Finally my resolve weakened.  Not because of shipping.  Because I got tired of hearing my husband yammer.  We went Prime.

Going Prime was like waking up in a new dimension.  Already as an introvert,  jaded by decades in retail/customer service, I hated places like malls.  For years I had relied on catalogs and the internet for most shopping.  Amazon all by its plain old self was wonderful.  It was a reputable etailer.  And it had everything.  But the shipping….  That was a problem.  Will and I would have to tag-team purchases so that we could reach that $50 threshold to reach free shipping.  And have you ever had to try to get the specific details of esoteric electronic-tooly man items out of an ADHD person?  It ain’t fun.  I would always find myself getting furious at him.  I don’t know jack or shit about punch and die kits.  I’m not reading the customer reviews for this crap.  You do it.  You do it now.  Not tomorrow.  You’ll forget.  I don’t know which multi-tool is the best for an IT person.  You already have 3 of them.   I just want to order my F’ing stick blender, dammit.

With Prime, I was free.  I could order what I want, when I wanted.  Without consulting my husband.  And ditto for him.  I found myself saying “I really need a pack of 150 cellophane gift bags.  Prime!”  I order kids’ clothes, birthday gifts, makeup.  I order inflatable pools (and air pumps), snacks, toilet paper (truth). I order paper plates, plastic cups, juice glasses.  I order bags (paper), books (that I don’t have time to read), origami paper. I order lotion, shoes, candy.  I’m starting to nose around that siren, PrimePantry.

I love the reviews.  The reviews for many things are of much greater value than the items themselves.  The writing in the reviews for 50 Shades of Grey was of a much higher caliber than the book itself.    And I’m sure you’ve all seen the genius that appears in the reviews for the Haribo sugar-free gummy bears.  (Helpful hint: search for 50 gallon lube.  Another helpful hint: make sure you tee-tee before you start reading.)

I find myself broke a lot.  Sure, I’m ordering needed items for our home.  Typically I order these things suddenly as the thought need pops into my consciousness. Most of these items are not expensive.  But I suppose I hit it a lot.  I’ve made 3 orders in a single day.

I also get very anxious when a week goes by without a box on my doorstep.  It’s like when a pet dies that you’ve had for a long time.  You miss that presence.  That’s how I feel about those boxes.

So I’m vowing to cut back.  I shall use more responsibly.

Oh shit.  I need curling ribbon.  Gotta go.

I'm just sticking this here, as it's not worth a full post.  This crazy lady made out with this statue for 20 minutes  straight this  morning while I drank my latte.  It's not even a full moon tonight.

I’m just sticking this here, as it’s not worth a full post. This crazy lady made out with this statue for 20 minutes straight this morning while I drank my latte. It’s not even a full moon tonight.

 

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About larva225

Working mom. Is there any other kind? Geologist. Nerd.
This entry was posted in life, Parenting and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Amazonics Anonymous

  1. rachelwhims says:

    My name is Rachel, and I’m an Amazon Prime Addict, too. 🙂

  2. NickyB. says:

    Hilarious and it truly is addictive.

  3. Anxious Mom says:

    Judging from my embarrassingly long order history that my husband pointed out to me, I belong in your AA.

  4. joey says:

    AHAHAHA! I love what you wrote about the presence of the boxes! AHAHAHA! Well done!
    We have Prime, too. And I love it. Imma get me a Fire TV dooji soon! Goodbye, Direct TV!
    I love the Pantry thingy. I just did it last week. Girl, soda, seltzer, cat litter, dog food, all on my doorstep, no schlepping! I got soap for months now. And towers of tp. Oh, and the sizes! I think the mouthwash for the girls was like $4 for half a year’s worth! Haha! Poor lil Moo can’t rinse without Sassy there to help! Haha!
    Anyway yes, I get more than my money’s worth on that shipping. Mmhm. Don’t let me forget I need to look at make-up primer later…

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