Catch As Catch Can(adian)

I am supremely excited about this post.  Think of it as a “blogging exchange student” program.  I was recently mistaken as being Canadian by one of my blogging BFFs, “Cookie.” I wasn’t sure if I should be honored or insulted.  In order to find out more, and since we were connecting IRL on other platforms, I proposed that we begin a dialogue.  I had many burning questions about Canada.  This was my golden opportunity to have them answered.  Read and be enlightened:

  1. What is your moose’s name? My Moose’s name is “Eh.”   Actually everybody’s moose is named “Eh”  That’s why we say it all the time.  We try so hard to include them in our conversations, but they just don’t seem to want to talk.
  2. )      Do you ride your moose to work?   I don’t ride my moose to work.  They are miserable bastards who stink to high heaven  and are a real bitch to saddle.  Never mind they never hold still in order for me to get the ladder steady enough to climb up and get on their back.   I prefer my dog sled team.  Easily trainable and obedient, as long as I promise to feed them “Eh” if he misbehaves.
  3. How do Mounties actually arrest people?  Do they handcuff the perp and drag them to jail behind their horse? Mounties don’t EVER get off their horse.  They generally just lasso the perp and threaten to throw them in jail until they say they’re sorry and then we let them go if they promise to never do it again.
  4. How do y’all grow food?  I only ask because the permafrost… Grow?  We mostly just eat seal blubber, bannock and pemmican.  We occasionally eat some tree bark if we get backed up  (if you know what I mean, Eh). <<Follow up:  WTF is a bannock and pemmican?  Some sort of exotic Canadian fruit?  Like a natural gelato of some sort?>>
  5. )    So if “about” is pronounced “aboot,” is a “cowboy boot” a “cowboy bout?”  Are these sounds inverted in Canadian? Everything in Canadian is inverted and most of it has a French accent too.  No one can understand us and we like it that way.
  6. Molson is your national beverage, yes? Yes, but only in the summer time. The other 364 days a year it’s whiskey, to help keep warm.
  7. So we all know about Toronto and Montreal.  Which one do you live in? Toronto and Montreal were full.  Nowhere to park my moose or my dog sled, so they invented this other shithole named Winnipeg.  I live there.  But I know everybody in Toronto…It’s only 3 weeks away by sled.
  8. )    How do you keep polar bears out of your trash cans? I’m more concerned with keeping them out of my house.  Too big, and there always seems to be either a dog or a child missing after they stay over.
  9. )   I know you are all conscripted into a hockey league.  How long do they make you play? They make us play until we either agree to name our firstborn child Wayne Gretzky or Don Cherry, OR earn how to tie the stem of a maple leaf into a knot using only our tongue.
  10. )   I know maple syrup is an important part of your culture.  We have the Easter Bunny.  Do you have a Maple Elf or a Maple Moose that visits children and leaves syrup-flavored treats in the night?  No.  That poor Elf tried SO HARD to be a thing, but the holiday was in January and trying to get the maple syrup to flow from the trees was a total bust.  Frozen rock solid.  The Elf got demoted to one of Santa’s helpers and was never heard from again.
    I Googled "Frozen tundra" and found this wonderful photo of my friend's home!

    I Googled “Frozen tundra” and found this wonderful photo of my friend’s home! 


    ***I don’t know about you, but I feel this is valuable information.  I do know that if I ever feel compelled to travel somewhere covered with yellow snow and moose turds, I shall go to Canada!


    (I feel appalled that I’m adding this, but it should be obvious that this is completely tongue-in-cheek.  If you find yourself spoiling for a fight after reading it, go get yourself wound up about some other imaginary offense like Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina steamer and shopping list.)




About larva225

Working mom. Is there any other kind? Geologist. Nerd.
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11 Responses to Catch As Catch Can(adian)

  1. Linda says:

    As a fellow Canucklehead, eh, I salute you for your burning desire to learn more about our fascinating maple moose plaid-wearing hockey playing mounted policing polar beared culture. When you come to Canada, please stay with me in my yellow stained igloo. Be sure to wear some fleece-lined wellies before you walk across my tundra of a front yard because it makes it easier to knock the moose turds off the bottom of the wellies before entering the igloo. Man, there’s nothing I hate more than having to scrape moose turds off my igloo’s icy floors. But, don’t worry, I won’t blame you if you do manage to bring some turds into the igloo as I’ll just blame myself for having the moose out there in the first place. I’ll follow it with at least a thousand, “I’m sorry” sentiments just so you know how truly sorry I really am.

    Also, I promise to serve you seal blubber, bannock, pemmican, Canadian back bacon, and poutine, all smothered in a generous slathering of maple syrup for breakfast, lunch and supper. We can watch reruns of “Due South” and “Corner Gas”, maybe take in a hockey game, and even learn all sorts of French Canadian swear words (tabarnak, bâtard, toton, etc.). Doesn’t this sound like all kinds of crazy fun, eh?

    Thanks for the chuckle; I really enjoyed reading this post. 🙂

    • larva225 says:

      Thank YOU for having a sense of humor! And WTF is a pemmican or bannock? I really don’t know…

      • Linda says:

        Pemmican is dried meat, traditionally bison pounded into coarse powder and mixed with an equal amount of melted fat, and occasionally saskatoon berries, cranberries, and even cherries, currants, chokeberries or blueberries which means we’re going to have to go bison hunting when you’re here. Hope you know how to shoot a rifle, skin the carcass, and portage the damn thing back to the igloo.

        Bannock is a heavy and dense bread when baked or it can be light and fluffy when fried. If we’re going to pig out on carbs, I’d prefer to take you to a chip wagon and get you a large poutine (made with curds, of course). We’ll chase our poutine down with a can of pop. It’ll be so much easier than making the pemmican and bannock ourselves.

      • larva225 says:

        Oh. My. Goodness. Why can’t y’all just shoot and eat an alligator? So much easier…

  2. Amber Perea says:

    This is pure amazing! I can’t wait to read yours!

  3. Katia says:

    I don’t know what I love more the questions or the answers. Nine years into being a Canadian, I am still trying to figure parts of it out myself and will be using this to further my progress. I don’t have a moose, but I named one of my kids “eh”. Rookie mistake.

    LOVED this.

    p.s. will be following your friend Cookie. Thanks for the introduction 🙂

  4. NobblySan says:

    Now then! This Canadia (or whatever it’s called) sounds my sort of place.

    Is it within easy driving distance of the North of England, or would I have to get there on one of those moose sled things?

    I’m particularly interested in this Bannock stuff, as I work in the construction industry and see its potential as a material for building moose-proof shelters.

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