I am supremely excited about this post. Think of it as a “blogging exchange student” program. I was recently mistaken as being Canadian by one of my blogging BFFs, “Cookie.” I wasn’t sure if I should be honored or insulted. In order to find out more, and since we were connecting IRL on other platforms, I proposed that we begin a dialogue. I had many burning questions about Canada. This was my golden opportunity to have them answered. Read and be enlightened:
- What is your moose’s name? My Moose’s name is “Eh.” Actually everybody’s moose is named “Eh” That’s why we say it all the time. We try so hard to include them in our conversations, but they just don’t seem to want to talk.
- ) Do you ride your moose to work? I don’t ride my moose to work. They are miserable bastards who stink to high heaven and are a real bitch to saddle. Never mind they never hold still in order for me to get the ladder steady enough to climb up and get on their back. I prefer my dog sled team. Easily trainable and obedient, as long as I promise to feed them “Eh” if he misbehaves.
- How do Mounties actually arrest people? Do they handcuff the perp and drag them to jail behind their horse? Mounties don’t EVER get off their horse. They generally just lasso the perp and threaten to throw them in jail until they say they’re sorry and then we let them go if they promise to never do it again.
- How do y’all grow food? I only ask because the permafrost… Grow? We mostly just eat seal blubber, bannock and pemmican. We occasionally eat some tree bark if we get backed up (if you know what I mean, Eh). <<Follow up: WTF is a bannock and pemmican? Some sort of exotic Canadian fruit? Like a natural gelato of some sort?>>
- ) So if “about” is pronounced “aboot,” is a “cowboy boot” a “cowboy bout?” Are these sounds inverted in Canadian? Everything in Canadian is inverted and most of it has a French accent too. No one can understand us and we like it that way.
- Molson is your national beverage, yes? Yes, but only in the summer time. The other 364 days a year it’s whiskey, to help keep warm.
- So we all know about Toronto and Montreal. Which one do you live in? Toronto and Montreal were full. Nowhere to park my moose or my dog sled, so they invented this other shithole named Winnipeg. I live there. But I know everybody in Toronto…It’s only 3 weeks away by sled.
- ) How do you keep polar bears out of your trash cans? I’m more concerned with keeping them out of my house. Too big, and there always seems to be either a dog or a child missing after they stay over.
- ) I know you are all conscripted into a hockey league. How long do they make you play? They make us play until we either agree to name our firstborn child Wayne Gretzky or Don Cherry, OR earn how to tie the stem of a maple leaf into a knot using only our tongue.
- ) I know maple syrup is an important part of your culture. We have the Easter Bunny. Do you have a Maple Elf or a Maple Moose that visits children and leaves syrup-flavored treats in the night? No. That poor Elf tried SO HARD to be a thing, but the holiday was in January and trying to get the maple syrup to flow from the trees was a total bust. Frozen rock solid. The Elf got demoted to one of Santa’s helpers and was never heard from again.
***I don’t know about you, but I feel this is valuable information. I do know that if I ever feel compelled to travel somewhere covered with yellow snow and moose turds, I shall go to Canada!
(I feel appalled that I’m adding this, but it should be obvious that this is completely tongue-in-cheek. If you find yourself spoiling for a fight after reading it, go get yourself wound up about some other imaginary offense like Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina steamer and shopping list.)