Turn Your Head and Coffee

This will be a very different kind of post.  I’d like to share with you a recent product experience I’ve had, if for no other reason than to save you some trouble.

I receive a monthly subscription box – a “glam bag” from Ipsy.  Each month for the meager charge of $10, I receive a swanky cosmetic bag full of about 5 new products.  Some are trial sizes, others are full size.  Some months I get really cool shit.  Other months I swear the company employs the largest mass of colorblind individuals in the country, or perhaps they’re based in Colorado.  Either way, it’s totally worth it.  It’s like Xmas in July every month.  Even July.

This month’s bag included a body scrub.  I have dry-ish skin, so I was all about it.  I vaguely noticed it said “coffee” on it, but chucked it in the bathroom and didn’t think much of it.

My telecommute days are when I get some high quality grooming time these days, or higher than usual.  Once I’m done working for the day, I can squeeze in a long shower before I go to pick my kids up.  So Thursday I figured I’d shave my legs and try out my fancy new scrub.

They weren’t kidding.  It’s coffee, as in used coffee grounds soaked in some kind of oil.  It was disgusting.  It was like some asshole – and I can’t decide if he/she is a moron or a genius – said “Hey!  I’m going to take all my old coffee grounds, grease them up, and then sell them to a bunch of narcissistic women under the guise of ‘body scrub.'”

I didn’t even wait to finish my shower before I put this shit right where it belonged – the garbage (sadly I don’t have a compost pile as that would also have been entirely appropriate).  In the meantime, the F’ing grounds had stopped up my tub.  I was ankle deep in weak-sauce greasy coffee water. 

I had to get out of my “luxurious” shower and wipe black crap off my feet and ankles.  Once the water finally drained it took about a quarter of a roll of paper towels to scoop that crap out of the bottom of my tub.  Will was confused as hell later that evening and wondered why I had thrown away a used coffee filter + grounds in the bathroom garbage at the far end of the house.

So yeah.  This was some bullshit.  For the record, if you want soft, moisturized skin tainted with brown grit, I’ll be happy to hook you up.  I drink coffee every day and have a big bottle of canola oil.  I’m sure  I’m cheaper than “Frank.”

Don’t do it. (You’re welcome.)


About larva225

Working mom. Is there any other kind? Geologist. Nerd.
This entry was posted in life, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Turn Your Head and Coffee

  1. joey says:

    OMG. Put it under a rosebush and never think of it again. What a heinous incident!

  2. Anxious Mom says:

    Holy crap! That sounds awful, but I so cracked up when your husband found the stuff in the bathroom.

    Maybe I can repurpose all the K-cups my husband goes through. πŸ˜‰

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