Yesterday morning something strange happened. I woke up normally. Actually, it was better than normal. I had gone to bed the night before at 8:45. And no, I wasn’t drinking. I didn’t even have a drop. I was just worn out. Anyway, I woke up to Felix coughing. Otherwise, everything was fine – better than fine. Then I “lost” an hour.
No, I didn’t get distracted and lose track of time. My mind somehow didn’t register it correctly to begin with. It was a strange and disconcerting feeling. That set the stage for the rest of my day. I couldn’t think of the right words in conversations. I made silly typos in emails. I put my keys on my desk at work and then panicked when I couldn’t find them in my purse. I was a complete ditz. All day.
I have no idea why. Maybe it’s stress. I feel scheduled within an inch of my life. Usually when shit gets busy I can say to myself “Just get through next week and things will calm down.” Only there’s no end date to this at the moment. There’s a trip coming up – our first on a plane with the kids – and Halloween, and birthday parties, and Daisy Scouts, and work holy moly work, and Thanksgiving, and homework, and doctor appointments, and Xmas…. Things won’t really get chill again until after Xmas. And I just volunteered to be a room mom, so obviously I need to schedule rehab for my crack habit.
I’m not special. I know that. Every mom -or parent- gets it. Sometimes I do feel like maybe my load is a teensy bit heavier due to ADHD – my husband’s and my daughter’s. I also know that statement will no doubt have me vilified in many circles.
I absolutely understand that they cannot “help” it. That there’s nothing “wrong” with them, per se, it’s just that their brains work differently. That the same brain that makes it almost physically impossible to remember to pick up their socks without at least a dozen reminders is also the same brain that dreams up a foam machine or draws amazing pictures of mermaids.
But I must concede that there are days when shit feels so much harder than maybe it should, and that I feel pretty alone with a pretty big share of the load. Sometimes I get angry and impatient and then turn around and feel guilty for getting angry for things that are beyond the control of my loved ones.
I need help. Regular, consistent help.
Things often feel like a fight. For instance, for our upcoming trip I want to get the kids headphones for their devices. I did tons of research. I finally had it narrowed down to 2 choices. Will wanted to “check them out.” That was a week ago. We leave a week from tomorrow. I’m going to end up ordering what I picked out. Then I’m going to catch hell if he doesn’t like them. Stuff like that happens a lot. He’ll get distracted, I’ll make a time-sensitive decision because it has to be made, then he’ll wade in at the last minute and ask why I didn’t do or consider X, Y, or Z. I’ve gotten better at not losing my shit over that kind of thing, but it’s exasperating and a weebit insulting sometimes.
There are also times when I get so impatient. Why don’t these otherwise super-intelligent people think? Stella has aced every reading, spelling, and math test so far, but can’t get why I won’t let her drag out paints 30 seconds before bedtime and unleashes a massive fit. Will doesn’t get why I get pissed when he upends a ginormous box of paper towels on the floor right as I’m trying to get Felix in the bathroom to brush his teeth (and just finished cleaning up the kitchen). It’s incendiary at that point. It becomes build time instead of bed time.
Yesterday morning was kind of a shock, that time warp I fell into. Is that what it’s like for Will and Stella? They get so far into their head that stuff like time becomes this strange immeasurable concept?
None of us are perfect. Duh. I guess I just feel a bit life-weary at the moment. Clearly I need to win some kind of sweepstakes and use the money for a maid, handyman, chef, laundress, and groundskeeper. Then I could focus on the neat stuff.
P.S. Is anyone else having issues with WordPress on their iPhones? Everything I try to do – type a word or open up a blog to read – has this horrible delay.