“Mom, I don’t think many kids want to hang out with me. I don’t think I have many friends.”
That’s what Stella said to me earlier this week. My mom-heart has been a little bit broken ever since. I stayed calm and neutral during the discussion, asking why she felt that way and for specific examples, hoping there wouldn’t be any. There were plenty of examples, and candidly, I’ve seen some with my own eyes, especially at Girl Scout meetings. She acts like a spazz, sometimes. She gets agitated and whines or yells. She behaves in a way that is much more immature than her peers. Even when she’s happy and excited she gets too happy and excited, waving her hands in people’s faces and such. It’s off-putting. People don’t like it. They don’t want to play with her or have her in their group. They don’t care that she can’t help it, that her brain just misfires.
And let’s be real: kids are dicks. They aren’t dicks maliciously, but they are dominated by pack mentality. They look for the weak and will pick on that weakness. If one laughs at a kid, they all will. The different kid will be shunned.
I’ve known this sort of thing was coming for Stella. I’ve seen the looks she’s gotten plenty of times, it’s only she didn’t care or notice then. She does now. And she’s sad about it.
And I feel like shit because I haven’t been there as much for her this year at school. I’ve spent most of my extra time and energy at Felix’s school because quite frankly it needs it more, and I felt as if my eyes and attention needed to be trained on him. Whereas for the past several years, I’ve had lunch with Stella at least once a month and never missed a field trip or school event, I’ve been missing those this year. There are 2 events coming up in the next week that I won’t be there for. Granted, I’ve always managed to find a sub – Will or Oui Oui, but I haven’t been there.
So I have to do better for her. I need to drag my ass up there to sit and eat with my daughter even though I’d rather sit home in my pajamas on my telecommute days. I have to hope that Felix makes it back in to the magnet school next year so that I can be as present for both of them. He’ll be taking the damn screening test soon, and I want to puke just thinking about it. I don’t know how I’ll take it if he doesn’t get in again. He’s got to get back in.
So we’ll keep chipping away. We’ll keep taking our meds and studying hard. They’re loving jujitsu and I’m hoping it helps them in all sorts of ways. Maybe she’ll make some new friends there. I’ll try harder. Or at least I will once I quit sniveling and pull up my big girl panties.