I get asked on a fairly regular basis about my blog. Am I still writing? The answer, of course, is no. I haven’t been. For the last 2 years, the world has been pretty much upside-down, and I had absolutely nothing useful, relevant, helpful, or clever to say about it. There were moments where I handled everything well, with humor and grace. There were moments when I did not handle everything well. Now? Things are returning to “normal” except they’re not.
Like everyone else on the f’ing planet, I’m tired. I have no tolerance, no extra energy. Things that I used to be able to do with minimal effort now feel just so very hard and exhausting. I’m sad. I’m angry. Yes, there are good things, fun things. We’re out in the world again, traveling and experiencing life. My kids are going to school again without masks. Everyone is vaccinated. But everything is just different except the things that should be.
Case in point, work. One of the positives about the pandemic was that many of us (office monkeys, I mean) demonstrated we could work from home very well – even better than sitting in our cubicles for 8 hours a day. But the second they were able, the powers that be crammed us back in. And even things like a sick/quarantined kid don’t make a difference. Sure, we worked from home for months. But now, we have to take leave if our kid needs to stay home for a valid reason. It defies reason. Where we could have seen and made real, compassionate changes, we chose not to.
I’ve cut myself off from a lot of people. At work, there are people that are just awful. They gossip and complain about everything and everyone constantly. Before, I would tolerate the awfulness, even though they are what I would describe as “energy vampires.” It was that whole “we all have to get along” mentality. Now? I don’t talk to them. They don’t talk to me. Sure, it’s weird and awkward, but I don’t have the energy for that stuff anymore. I have to save my energy for the things and people that really need me – my kids, mostly.
Obviously work is probably my biggest complaint. It wasn’t great before, but it’s horrible now. And I’m stuck. There’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve looked at other things – going back to school to do something different or even going back into teaching – but none of those options area financially viable. I wish I was one of those people who was able to change careers during COVID. I’m not, obviously. It’s hard to make jumps like that when you’re married with 2 kids and in your late 40’s.
I want to get myself back. I want energy. I want creativity. I want inspiration. I want to crack jokes and be witty. I have to hope that some of that will return in time.
Dramatic Momologue 