My dad’s side of my family is rather famous for nicknaming people. Everyone in our family had at least one. One of mine was/is Bob, for instance. Don’t ask. As these things typically go, each nickname is rooted in some kind of silly story or with a personal characteristic. My paternal grandmother was dubbed “Moose” by my father. She was a tiny, beautiful woman, but would often lament that she ate too much and felt huge. Voila. Moose was born.
Felix has recently developed an affinity for this. During spats with his sister, he’s becoming quite the wordsmith. She’s a “ding-dong head” or “stinky brain.” He comes up with very interesting terminology for his “machines” that he’s building. Today the Lawnmower Saw Machine had a Personality Switch. Go figure. And of course, the best name of all goes to me – his MyMom.
He’s come up with a name for one of his teachers that I’m having a really hard time not ROFLing about. He has a primary teacher, Mrs. H, as well as a secondary “helper” teacher, Mrs. B. It’s definitely a good cop/bad cop scenario. Mrs. H tends to be more nurturing and laid back. Mrs. B is the disciplinarian. She’s very opinionated from what I can tell. Felix has named her “The Evil Villain.” Seriously. Every time he refers to Mrs. B it’s as “The Evil Villain.”
Now normally I would pooh-pooh this and try to squelch it, but I’ve had several run-ins with Evil Villain at this point, and I cannot totally disagree with Felix’s feelings. I guess maybe I never completely grew up with respect to people telling me what to do when A) they have zero authority to do so, and B) there is no logic dictating their demands.
Case in point, Evil Villain and I have been sparring about my kid’s lunchbox. I try to pack stuff I think my kids will eat during the day. So there is usually fruit, a protein (ham, pepperoni, beef stick), some pretzels or cracker-type things, a drink, and a dessert. With Stella on her meds, I’m grateful if she has enough appetite to eat a piece of chocolate. She will, however, eat like Caesar’s Army every morning and evening. Felix would live on fruit. Protein can be a challenge. The little string-bean just loves his fruit and sweet stuff.
During my first conference with the Dude’s teachers when things weren’t going so smoothly, the Evil Villain had printed me up this brochure about the Feingold diet. It’s this complicated diet plan, often marketed to ADHD families, which eliminates all sorts of food groups and additives. It’s hard. And while sure, it’s always good to eat as pure and clean as one possibly can, it’s just often unrealistic in my world. I’ve done several Whole 30s. By the end of those, I”m exhausted from food planning. Anyway, this diet has a pretty large following, but if you research it, there are very few (if any) hard scientific studies which validate the utility of such a strict diet. The Mayo Clinic, Harvard, and Princeton all think that while sure, it’s a swell way to eat, there is no study which definitively states it’s good for ADHD. Well, the Evil Villain just loves Feingold. And wow, that one day when I sent a raspberry Zinger in his lunch box? He just went crazy. It’s all that sugar and red dye, doncha know. I agreed not to send any more damn Zingers in my kid’s lunch box.
As I was going through his stuff after school, I noticed he hadn’t eaten his beef sticks. I had packed a large container with fresh raspberries, strawberries, and sliced bananas, but the Dude had only eaten one bite of the beef stick. That was really unusual so I asked him about it. Apparently the Evil Villain had told my kid how awful and unhealthy those beef sticks were, and that he shouldn’t be eating them.
Y’all. I was pissed. I am pissed. Who the hell is this woman to dictate what I feed my kid? And if I want my kid to eat some damn beef stick along with the ginormous amount of fresh fruit I had packed, that’s my blasted prerogative as his mother.
I was good. Despite my angst, I did not pack a Zinger today. Instead, my daily lunchbox note depicted a cartoon of” V is for Villain.” I’ll pack the damn Zinger tomorrow.